It is funny how life comes full circle...I wrote this a little over two years ago and its truth shouts even louder today! God knew I would need these words and that I would need to reread these words. I pray that they are a blessing to you as well...
Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. Psalm 5:1-2 Today, I have peace about it, but three days ago, I was in distress because I realized that the puzzle I saw coming together was truly a figment of my imagination. I thought he was the missing piece, but the words he so prophetically spoke to me three and a half years ago rang true. “I like things easy.” He had said it before, but I ignored it, thinking that I meant enough to him to change his mind, but I never did change his mind. I never changed who he was, he never changed who he was, and God never changed who he was, so now, I have peace because I know he’s not for me. To him, “I like things easy” –simple and plain—to him that meant that I would make his life easy by allowing him to drop in and out of my life as he pleased. I would make his life easy by being at his every beck and call whenever he decided to beck or call. And, I did that for him because I thought it was a good way to show him that I love him, but did he ever show me that he loved me? He said it…once. It was, it seemed, his convenient way of holding on to my attention, which I feel he sensed was waning. I fell for it and I waited. I waited on God to make him the man I needed, but he’s not that man. I know believe he will never be that man. That man will love me as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). He will esteem me higher than himself. That man will not expect me to compromise my values. That man will make my life “easy.” And that man will be loved truly and deeply. I know this because I have loved men who did none of those things. How much more then could I love someone who actually shows me that he loves me rather than just telling me he loves me when he feels me slipping away. My kindness will no longer be taken advantage of; my true friendship will no longer be unrequited. I know who I am and whose I am, and as a child of royalty, I deserve the best my King has to offer, so I am not willing to settle simply because the pangs of loneliness eat away at me in the midnight hour, and sometimes, in the midday hour. I am not willing to settle because it seems that my chance for a family of my own is fading. I am not willing to make another person’s priorities my own if that person is not willing to make the same sacrifice for me. Like Christ loved the church means willing to sacrifice your life. I can honestly say that no man who has ever claimed to love me has come close to exemplifying this quality, so is it possible? I am convinced that every Word of God is true and he tells me that with men, things are impossible, but with God, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26). So, I am not willing to settle even if it means that I face singleness and loneliness, even if people keep asking me why I am not in a relationship, even if I cry or become sad at times. I have given up too much of myself and gained little in return. That is not the way God intended love to be, so I am confident that He knows what I need, and He will give me the desires of my heart. I do not know when or how, but I know that settling does more harm than good and makes my path more crooked than straight. Ms. EV
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I should be well aware by now that as soon as things start moving in a positive direction, the darts will start being hurled my way. Sometimes it is hard to tell if the negative thoughts originate from my own insecurities or if they are merely a manifestation of the cowardice of an enemy who knows he has no standing. Whatever the source, I still have difficulty dealing with feeling lonely from time to time. So, I am writing this as an encouragement to myself in hopes that it will lift up someone else as well.
One thing I know for sure is that I am not alone. I am assured of that fact by God’s Word. Nonetheless, it would be nice to have someone to whom or with whom I could come home. Most of the time when I think this, it is because I have had a rough day and need a little sympathy. But, even in the good times, well, especially in the good times, it would be nice to have someone with whom I could celebrate. I am not in any way diminishing the comfort and peace that God gives me or the spiritual pats on the back that I can feel from within my soul. However, God Himself said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” And, I am pretty sure He meant that for women, too. I just have to thank God because this is no longer a daily struggle (Oh, who am I kidding…an hourly struggle). There are a limited number of times when I feel sucker-punched by the lonelies. There are even less times when it results in tears. So, as much as I am sure my old nemesis wants me to have a full on Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam “All Cried Out” moment, I know that I just need to go to my Daddy and sit at His feet and let Him console me. No one will ever fill the empty spaces of my life like He can. And, when the time is right, He will send me someone to come home to. Ms. EV So, yesterday, I was recounting the story of how my car would not start and I left off at the part where my best friend had kind of calmed me down and my uncle was on the way to help (If you need a refresher, scroll down to Part I or click over the Ms. Ev's Blog to see the beginning). Anyway, in between the phone call to my uncle and the text from my bestie, the devil went to WORK! It is so funny, but when you are single, EVERY issue seems to always come back to, "and I wouldn't be in this situation if I had a man!" So, I sat in the car and stewed until my uncle called and said he was in the parking lot.
He arrived and went to work to figure out why the car wouldn't start. I had a suspicion that it was the battery, and my mom told me to have him check the water in the battery as well. So, he checked and the water was nearly non-existent. He hooked up the jumper cables and sent me inside to get some water to fill the battery. The water cost about twice as much as I had put in the bucket, so I thought, "Okay, I am going to have to spend some extra to remind me to listen to the urge to give when it comes. Got it. Lesson learned." My uncle put the water in, waited a bit and had me start the car. I turned the key and it started. We tried again and it started again. I was very hopeful, except the car was still hooked to the jumper cables. So, he took the cables off, I said I prayer, I turned the key, and "click"...nothing happened. I tried to hold back tears as my uncle tried to reassure me that it would be okay. I sat in the car trying to figure out what I was going to have to give up to be able to fit a new battery in my budget while we tried to let the jumper cables do their thing. We tried again, but the car wouldn't start; the battery was dead. We went into the store, again, thank God I broke down somewhere where they sell car batteries. We looked for the battery I needed. It came in three types, Value, Zoom and Maxx. I was hoping to find a Value one because it wouldn't damage my budget too much. The only one we could find was the Maxx (the most expensive one). Again, I sucked back tears, as I thought about my earlier disobedience and how I was solely responsible for this. I also lamented over the fact that if I had a husband or a boyfriend, he would have reminded me to put water in the first battery, so it wouldn't die. When, we reached the cash register, I pulled out my debit card reluctantly and before I could swipe it, my uncle picked up the tab, which really made tears come to my eyes, but in a good way. I told him that I could pay for it, I didn't want to, but I had the money, but he replied that he just wanted to see me smile and he as glad to be a blessing and he said, "Now, you can put this in your praise bucket." I thought, "What an awesome uncle and what an awesome bit of wisdom!" He never once made me feel like I was inconveniencing him or bugging him. His demeanor was as if I was doing him a favor. So, I learned a lot. First, I learned that when I do something for someone else, I need to be more gracious about it. Second, I learned that sometimes we are going to feel down, but God can hook us up to friends and family that will get us going just like jumper cables. I also learned, because I clearly heard God speak this to my heart, that God was not going to punish me over not giving up $0.36; He definitely let me know that I had not listened, but I was more blessed than punished. Finally, I learned that we should store our blessings in our praise bucket. That way, when we have a down day (or maybe I'm the only person who isn't happy-go-lucky all the time), we can pull something out of out praise bucket and get to shouting! What's in your bucket? Ms. EV I am just waking up from a mid-morning/afternoon nap after a night of Black Thriday shopping (I saw Thriday because it no longer starts on Friday, now it starts on Thanksgiving Day and continues through Friday morning). Now, I come from a family of deal hunters; not extreme couponers or extreme cheapskates, but deal hunters. I believe the reason my siblings and I always felt so well off growing up (even though we had no idea what my parents salaries were) is because my mother is so incredible at money management. She knows how to be sure that bills are paid and that we have all of our needs and most of our wants. She is...THE BARGAIN HUNTER.
So, every day after Thanksgiving since I don't even know when, we spread out the sales papers and plot our route of savings. I like to get all or as much of my Christmas shopping done as possible, and then, see if there is something on sale for such a good deal that I just must have it in my life. I am, however, as a result of many flawed spending habits in my past, pretty frugal, though, so I will only spend on myself if it is REALLY worth it. We layer up our clothes, and head out to stores in search of great deals. This year, for the first time in forever, I got everything I was looking to get and it was a great feeling. After the first leg of our shopping trip, I got another great feeling. We all went back to my parents' house to rest up for round two of our shopping trip. I just reflected on how great it felt to have most of my family under one roof for the night. With a nephew that's about to go to college next year, and just the business of life, it was nice to be surrounded by my family and I had to stop and thank God for that. But, as I woke up this afternoon, I realized, I got an even better deal. I got the deal of a lifetime when Jesus chose me. When He knocked on the door of my heart, and I answered, that was the best deal ever because honestly, without Jesus, I cannot even imagine what my life would be like. There are times now that I know that He is the only reason I still go on and survive. There are some things I don't share with everyone with which I struggle, and in the darkest of times, He is my hope for my future. And, get this, even though I will only purchase a deal if it is of great value or I really need it, God didn't look at me that way. Without Him, my life was worthless, but He still died for me. He definitely doesn't need me because He's God, but He still wanted me and chased after me. The best part is that even though, I stumble, I fall, and I fail, He doesn't return me or exchange me. He keeps me and He holds me and He loves me like no other, which is saying a lot because I come from a family filled with love and it still doesn't match the love that God shows me. Talk about an awesome deal. Ms. EV Has this ever happened to you? You are in the middle of a great story on the phone with a friend or a family member and they say, “Hold on a second, I have another call.” Okay, we all know that it never takes a second. So, you wait on pins and needle to find out if you rank above whomever else it is on the other line. Finally, they click back over, and say, “Okay, now finish your story,” but you have forgotten what you were talking about or the moment has passed and it’s not going to be as funny or interesting.
I would love to say that I always give the people I talk with on the phone my undivided attention, but that would be a lie. I, too, have been known to click over. I blame the phone companies. Life was fine and dandy when people got a busy signal if you were on the phone and they had to go and ruin it by giving you the choice of who to talk to at any given time. Sure, it is helpful if you are waiting on news from a job interview or results from a doctor, so you don’t have to guard the phone with your life all day. Yet, call waiting, is another “convenience” that messes with the attention we give to each other. I am so grateful that God does not have or need call-waiting. Because He is omnipresent and omniscient, God can see and hear and know everything that is going on with everyone at the same time. He does not have to stop listening to Suzy’s prayer, so He can hear mine. He doesn’t have to click over on me, so that He can hear you. He hears every, “thank You,” every, “I love You,” every, “Lord, have mercy,” and every, “God, please help me!” He has an infinite attention span, which is good news for me because I love (and I mean LOVE) attention. We never have to worry that someone else’s trials are so huge that God does not have time to deal with our little issues. God does not categorize us like that; we do. Yes, sometimes it feels like God has us on hold. We may be watching someone else be delivered from hard times and wonder when it is our turn, but God has not forgotten you. He has not put you on hold. He has not hung up on you. And, most importantly, He still knows what is best for you. So, don’t give up. Like the old folks sing, “Jesus is on the main line. Tell Him what you want. Call Him up and tell Him what you want!” Ms. EV “Cultivate your own relationship with God, but don’t impose it on others. You’re fortunate if your behavior and your belief are coherent. But if you’re not sure, if you notice that you are acting in ways inconsistent with what you believe—some days trying to impose your opinions on others, other days just trying to please them—then you know that you’re out of line. If the way you live isn’t consistent with what you believe, then it’s wrong.” Romans 14:22-23 (MSG)
For the last couple of weeks, I have been trying to find a day where I could just take a break and have some “me time.” Now, that might sound strange for someone who spends sixteen to seventeen hours everyday weekday by herself. One would think I have plenty of “me time.” In reality, even though I am physically by myself for two-thirds of the day on most days except Sundays, if I spend any amount of time at work or tending to a church activity, the people and projects that I deal with in that time span get a lot of my attention even when they are not around. So, I decided a couple of weeks ago, that I needed a day for myself because I was starting to feel worn down and just out of touch. Today is that day. My not going to work today would not hinder my students’ progress or my interns progress; it would be a day that a capable substitute could handle, so I took a mental health day. I’m not sure what I am going to do with the rest of my day, but it was clear that as much as I sleep, I am not getting enough rest because my body took three extra hours this morning, despite being interrupted by my cat and my nephew. I knew that if I went much longer without some time to myself that my mind, body and spirit might be impacted, so I am glad that wisdom prevailed and I decided to take a day before I was forced to take one due to some breakdown. There are a lot of other people who are busier than I am. In addition to work, they may go to school, have children to raise, work on a lot of social or church committees, work out, socialize with friends more. And, maybe they never need a day off and good for them. It took me a long time to figure out that I should not try to be like other people or expect them to be like me. The only perfect model for behavior is Jesus Christ. When I read Romans 14, it convicted me. This chapter spoke volumes to me about my relationship with others and my relationship with God. But, the verses from yesterday’s blog and the ones above really stood out to me. We need to “cultivate [or work on our] own relationship with God, but [not] impose it on others.” This does not mean that we ought not share God with others, but that we ought not expect others to have the same relationship with God that we do. Furthermore, we need to focus on our own relationship and be sure that we are not acting inconsistently because we are too focused on others. Like I said, the minute I am around people and projects, my focus shifts to them. I am so concerned with fixing them that I do not give enough attention to what should be fixed about me. What we all really need to do it to ask ourselves, “Is the way I am living consistent with what I believe?” If we believe the Bible, the living Word of God, our lives should line up with the Word. We should not be manipulating the Word to conform to our will, but living out lives to conform to God’s Will. If we discover that we are living a life that is inconsistent with what we believe, then it is wrong. It is very difficult to make that discovery, though, if we are constantly focused on imposing our beliefs on those who we feel are worse than we are. It is hard to make that discovery when we are in the middle of projects that are designed to impose our will on others. Take some “me time” or rather “me and God time.” We need to really look at your lives and ask if it is pleasing to God. And then, here’s the kicker, listen for His answer, not our own self-righteous answers. Sure, there are people who are living deplorable lives. Yes, we should share our faith. Nonetheless, our faith can and should be shown in our walk. We need to be sure that we are living consistently with what we believe before we impose our beliefs on others and cause confusion about the God we love and serve. Ms. EV Today's blog is in response to a challenge from a Girlfriends in God devotional:
Dear God: I want to take the time to tell You how much I love You. First, I love You for your sacrifice. There is no pain worse than when a child dies; yet, You loved us all so much that You willingly gave Your Son to pay the debts that we can never repay. I love that You are a forgiving God. We continually choose paths that are contrary to Your Will; nonetheless, when we come to You acknowledging the errors of our ways and willing to turn our lives around, You forget the past and move us forward. I also love You for Your grace. There is no telling where I would be without Your grace. And, I understand that grace is not a license to sin; it is the gift of Your riches and blessings that I do not deserve. Furthermore, I love that You are a merciful God. There are countless actions that I have undertaken that I know should have had more dire consequences, but You spared me. There were still consequences for my actions; however, I know that it could have been much worse were it not for Your mercy. God, I want to thank You for my family. I get to experience different family dynamics all of the time, so I know how blessed I am. Thank You for saved parents who helped me to know You. Thank You for a close-knit, supportive family that is not perfect and has its differences, but when push comes to shove, we are there for each other. Moreover, I thank You for my health. I have not always had a perfectly clean bill of health; nevertheless, there has not been one ailment that has been debilitating. I still have the use of all of my senses, my limbs, and my brain, and I think sometimes we take being able to breathe for granted, so I thank You for each breath. I also want to thank You for the gifts that You have given me. I have not always used them in the way that I know You intended for them to be used, yet, You did not take them from me. Instead, You gave me the opportunity to discover how I could use them for You. Lord, I thank You for being God. I have tried to be in control of everything and it is not easy, so I am glad that I do not have to be. I am so grateful to be awakened each morning by the sun that You created peeking over the horizon. I am thankful that You will never leave me or forsake me. Even though, I battled with a fear of loneliness, You and I came out victorious. Thank You for delivering me from the dark corners of anxiety in my mind, from self-doubt, and from low self-esteem. Lord, I thank You for eternity and for a heavenly home. I thank You because I know that no matter what happens in my life and on this earth, this is not my home and physical death is not the end. Father, You are awesome and amazing and I do not deserve Your love, but I am so glad that You give it freely. Thank You. Ms. EV Yesterday, I talked about Job and the challenges he faced in being tested by God. One thing about Job that I liked was that he was a real human, and even though he endured and did not give up his faith, he did ask questions. God’s response was that He created all and knows all, but I do not believe that He responded in anger; He just wanted to be sure that Job knew that God does everything on purpose. I know why God does not reveal everything about His plan for our lives to us, but that does not make it any less frustrating at times. In faith, I still depend on Him, but in the flesh, I am discouraged when circumstances don’t go the way I feel they should be or don’t happen when I think they should. And then…
Then, there are the times when God speaks so clearly to my heart that all I can do is sigh a deeply heartfelt, “Thank You.” As you may have figured out, I am bothered at times by the fact that I am 34 and I do not have a husband (or a boyfriend for that matter) or any children of my own. Like the judgment of Job’s friends, I have experienced people looking at me with the side-eye, likely wondering what I did or what is wrong with me that I am now a “consecrated spinster.” Surely, I must have made some mistake or I must have made God mad at me. I know enough to know that is not the case, and so did Job. I watched a show last night that showed me that having a family might make my aspirations in life difficult, not impossible, but difficult. And, I don’t know that I will have the particular career that these women have (though, it would be nice), but as I saw a mother struggle to say goodbye to her husband and children in pursuit of furthering her career, I felt peace about my situation. Perhaps, God is has not given you what you desire because He has a plan that you cannot imagine. And, for that plan to work for His Kingdom, He needs you to be where you are. I have separation anxiety just saying goodbye to my parents and my nephews and niece; it would be heart-wrenching to be torn from my own husband and children. I am not ready for that. And, God knows it; now, He has allowed me to know it and it gives me a sense of peace. I still do not know the “what” in particular, but I feel that I got a glimpse at the “why.” Ms. EV For the past several weeks, I have not been interacting very much on my personal Facebook page. I have posted the blogs and devotions of the Elevated Values page and I would read a couple of things that looked inspirational, but I didn't go through my news feed and all of my lists to see what was up with various people in my world. I do this every once in a while for my own mental health and well-being As much as I love staying in touch with friends and family, I have to take a break from the social network universe, have actual interactions with people and have some “me” time. Well, I should say “me and God” time.
Last week, I began to look at my new feed again, and over the weekend, I saw some distressing messages about a terrible instance of heartbreak. I felt so awful for the person who was going through this gut-wrenching situation because I understand what it feels like. I am still in the process of waiting for God’s answer for what the right words are to say to this individual if there are any right words at all. Having been through this, I know that when your heart is broken, whether by someone or some circumstance, it doesn't make you feel better to hear bad things about the person and it doesn't help when family and friends say hurtful things to the person because when your heart has just been broken there is still a part of you that hopes it’s all a terrible nightmare or that the person had a lapse in judgment and can explain everything so your life can get back to normal. I personally am not moved in those moments of heartbreak by encouraging words or fighting words, especially when I feel like my dream has just died. And, even more so, if my identity at that point in my life was wrapped up in that dream. So, what could I possibly say to this person who is experiencing the excruciating pain of heartache? I am not sure what will help this person. When I think back on my most painful experiences, I can only say that God got me through it. Left to my own devices, I would still be in the corner of a dark room somewhere bawling my eyes out until I ran out of tears. I have grown enough to know that crying in tough times does not mean that you don’t love God anymore. Remember, Jesus wept. Nonetheless, like my pastor preached from Job 1 on Sunday, though I was down and I grieved, I also worshipped. I did not leave God out of my grieving process. I went to church when I did not feel like it. I sang and prayed when I wanted to just cry. I clapped and lifted my hands even when I felt defeated. I did not give up on God because I knew He had not given up on me. Each time, the heartache went away and I felt stronger and closer to the Lord. But, there wasn’t a magical formula. There is no specific time period. Sometimes it was days. For other instances, it was weeks. Still for some, it was months. Nevertheless, He brought me through it all. I lived to love again and to dream again. Every day is not sunshine and rainbows and if my heart is ever broken again, I know where broken hearts should go. Humbly place yourself in the arms of the Healer of broken hearts, the One, true God. Ms. EV God is not man, one given to lies, and not a son of man changing his mind. Does he speak and not do what he says? Does he promise and not come through? Numbers 23:19 (MSG)
For much of my life, I was known as a worry wart. Not the kind of worrying normal people do, but I had a paralyzing sense of fear over the smallest details. In my mind, little problems turned into catastrophes in a nanosecond. For example, if there was thunder, I thought the sky was falling. If I felt sick, I thought it was an incurable disease. When I was a senior in high school and had not ever had a real boyfriend, I thought no one would ever love me or want to marry me. When I was younger, I thought everyone thought this way. About ten years ago, my anxiety had such a tight grip on me that I suffered from insomnia and paranoia. I finally decided, with the help of some of my inner circle, that it could not be normal, and I sought help. After some therapy, I was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. I was so conflicted about this diagnosis because, as a Christian, we are not to have fear or anxiety or worry. But remember, those of us who are saved, are in this world, but not of this world. As long as we are a part of this world, we are subject to the trouble of this world, which includes illness – even mental illness. But, praise God that He created doctors, therapists, and medicine. There is no shame in seeking help. It does not make you less of a Christian. That is something that the devil would have you believe, so that you can stay sick. I knew that there was an issue, so I followed the treatment plan of my doctor, and I got the issue under control. I have been fine for years, but recently, I started to feel that old familiar feeling of paralyzing, worrisome thoughts. Only this time, I knew that it was irrational and it was nothing but the devil trying to distract me and throw me off my path. How do I know this? Because the anxieties that were, and still are, going through my head are blatant lies. And, I know that there is nothing to even be concerned with because God, my Father, cannot and does not lie. And, God, my Father, has told me that I have nothing to worry about or fear. And, God, my Father, has told me that He will never let anything happen to me that I cannot handle. And, God, my Father, told me that He will never leave me or forsake me. So, anytime thoughts cloud my mind about having a desperate need or being devastated or abandoned, I know they are lies and God does not lie. Ms. EV |
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